Wednesday, April 24, 2019

floating and footless

These past few weeks have been really challenging.  I've had to be very honest with people I care deeply about, people in my family and other important people as well.  And in being very honest, I know I have hurt these people even though I did what I feel is right.  And I know that these people are already hurting, some of them hurting a lot.  I don't like hurting people.  My heart is so breaking right now.

I'm very unsure right now about what is right and what is wrong; about where objective and subjective realities meet; about how to come back again and again to the heart and what that really means; about compassion; about how to deal with people when everything is an illusion and yet very real at the same time.  I feel very much like I'm floating and can't find my feet.

And I'm very angry.  Angry that there is so much suffering in the world, suffering on physical, emotional, and mental levels.  Some people have to endure so much in their lives.  I wish that I could just reach out and touch them and make it all go away.  But I can't.  I know that suffering is a part of life, I get it, but right now anger is what I feel. Sometimes it is hard for me to accept the 'realities' of life.  And so I have to be very understanding and at the same time very honest with myself.  Gently honest, but directly honest, just like I have tried to be in the instances alluded to above.

Life is hard.  Life is awesome, beautiful, vibrant.  People continually blow my mind with all the beauty that they bring.  I see these things every day.  Even the understanding that life is hard is part of that awesome beauty, mind-blowing in how intricate and alive life is, how poignant a broken heart is, what that broken heart signifies in terms of feeling caring and interconnected with life and everyone in it.  And how life being hard or easy is a contant tidal movement, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  And how that is also part of the beautiful and amazing flow of consciousness, of some unwritten but deeply inscribed directive or procedure in the universe that underlies all of our experiences in the world.  And how interpretations of things in terms of good, bad, or indifferent are not more than personal overlays upon a fundamental innocence of life as it is.

But still, right now life is hard.  Right now I am troubled.  These are my current inner states and I have no doubt that in 15 minutes, one day, next week, a year from now, my inner state will be to various degrees different, will fluctuate due to continual conscious and subconscious engagement with internal and external factors, all part of the interconnectedness of life.

Take good care of yourself.