Sunday, March 1, 2015

on pills and 'apostrophes' - part 3 (but not many apostrophes… :-)

It's been a bit since my last post. Am I slow? Probably. Am I lazy? A bit. Am I wiped out? 

Since my post to I've been diagnosed (I honestly almost typed "convicted) with a fairly serious case of adrenal fatigue. Serious enough to need to do something about it right away. Even doing things I love to do (like writing this blog) feels like such a chore and I just haven't had the energy to do much other than work and some of the bare necessities. It's been building up for a long time, years actually, and kind of sucks.  And it's nice. I'm learning to slow down, enjoy things more,  because I have to.  (I sometimes jokingly say that I hate to follow the same advice I give my clients. :-)  I've seen a naturopath who has got me on some supplements and I feel like I'm starting to dig my way out, but it's suppose to take several months.

This adrenal fatigue is the result of many years of pushing the envelope and of very stressful times, dating back to grad school if not sooner. The stressors have been from what I would call very good causes and from not so good causes. Let's just say life has been full.  Either way, the lack of sleep and the night time panic attacks that I wrote about in my last blog have just been exacerbating the situation and, according to my naturopath, also resulting from the situation. It's a sort of downward spiral that I'm grateful has been identified. And I'm also grateful that I'm on the antidepressant because it is addressing in it's own way the spiralling downward. According to my naturopath, the adrenal fatigue also causes sleep problems like the ones I've been experiencing and the sleep problems contribute to the adrenal fatigue. However, I'm sleeping much better, not waking up in the middle of the night in sweats with my heart pounding, not stressing about the lack of sleep or the panic attacks.

So, I've been thinking about karma. Were the panic attacks and poor sleep and irritability the fruits of some negative past karma? Or is the antidepressant and the naturopath the fruit of some positive past karma? Or both?! The treatments I've been taking have been a big help already to get me back on the right track, to feel better, to act from a place that feels more like who I am and how I want to be. In addition, no pill is going to eradicate any karma from past lives or this life. If it's there it's there. I have no intention of taking the antidepressant to avoid anything, though I can see how it might appear like that. In fact, I've spent many years "being with" in a meditative and contemplative way the very situations I've been writing about.

Whatever the case, something good is happening. I feel so much more loving - of my wife, my clients, of my friends, of myself. Whether it has do to the slowing down of the anxiety and depression or simply the continuing unfolding of my heart? Is it both? Is it neither? Is it karma?

Right now I don't really care. I'm going to continue with what I'm doing – meditating and medicating. I plan to meditate to my dying day. As far as medicating. I'm not so sure. As the adrenals continue to improve perhaps the need for the antidepressant will drift away. Perhaps not. Time will tell.