Sunday, August 3, 2014

an unusual story perhaps, and... - part 1

About two years ago I was at a meditation retreat led by a very profound and wonderful and powerful meditation master. During one of the meditation sittings I had a premonition or insight.  Not quite a vision, nothing was visual, but akin.  It was an 'experience,' and one that was deeply spiritual, resonating with every aspect of my spiritual practice.  In this experience I came to understand that if I practiced a particular spiritual exercise daily for a year my entire life would change.  I can be a bit of a sceptic about such things, it's healthy to a point, but the exercise was simple and the source known to be one with whom I have a very deep connection.  I applied myself with a large amount of trust and hope and a pinch of doubt.

At the time I was working at a very good organization but with some what I would call political issues, and the specific job I had required skills that I was not very good at.  What I mean is that the job was extremely detail oriented and there were continual interruptions - two things that I really struggle with.  I mean REALLY struggle with. I felt like I was going crazy, was stressed, anxious, unhappy, even thought the job had some meaning and fulfillment for me.

A job became open with a related organization, but a job that was seemingly tailor made for my education and training, skills, and interests.  I would be working with cancer patients as a psychotherapist: doing one-on-one counselling, facilitating groups, doing home visits to patients, and participating in some educational activities.  I had a lot experience in all of these aspects of the job.  It was totally in my comfort zone.  I applied and felt some confidence in at least getting an interveiw and in actually getting the job.  I knew some people who had worked for the organization in the past and were in very good standing and I could count totally on their support, my resume fit line-for-line with the job description, and the timing was perfect in terms of my life changing, as indicated by the meditation experience I had.

Complications arose at the potential new job site because they were doing a great deal of expanding.  This being the case, they postponed any job interviews for the position I was interested in, other positions were of a higher priority under the circumstances.  This went on for some time, with repeated assurance from staff at the job that they would keep me posted and me assuring them that I would be patient.  It seemed like such a perfect job for me in that it was one in which I felt I had a great deal to offer and so, I was willing to wait.

After several months, I checked in with the organization.  It had been a couple of months since I had heard anything. What I found out was that a nutritional counsellor had come in for a workshop, everybody at the organization "fell in love with her," and they had recently hired her on the spot.  I was pretty upset for a number of reasons.  No other interviews were conducted (with me or other qualified individuals), the person hired was not a psychotherapist, the best interest of the clients of the organization were professionally considered, and I had waited in good faith.  I felt betrayed, not just by this but also by the experience I had in meditation and therefore by spiritual practice in general.

And I became very disillusioned.  I felt deeply in my heart that this job opportunity was directly aligned with the meditation experience and my trust faltered greatly.  I was pretty despondent for quite a while, felt trapped in my currenct position, became very constricted in my heart, my mind, my body, energetically.  I was in dukkha, suffering.