Sunday, May 11, 2014

On change and self acceptance

I read a pretty impressive quote the other day, one that has been a bit of a thorn the nags from just under the skin.  I wish I could remember who said it, but I can't right now.  Anyway, the quote goes along these lines, "The thing on the spiritual path that people have the most resistance to is changing their mind."

The minute I read it I felt something pound my heart and I then felt my heart pound.  While seeming to come out of the blue, what was said also seemed to obvious, so true, so concisely to the point.  It was one of those times where in some unexpected twitch of synchronicity I felt someone was speaking directly to me in a way that is very straightforward, telling me something I really need to hear but don't necessarily want to hear.  My heart cried, "YES!" My head mumbled, "Yes, BUT!"

So, I've been looking for places where I don't want to change my mind and you know what?  I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND!  I'm chuckling to myself as I write this, but only because it is so true, I don't want to change my mind.  I mean, after all, I spent a long time creating a structure that made sense to me, and now I have to change my mind?  I can see the wisdom in the change of mind, I can see how it would make me happier, less constricted, possibly more pleasant to be around and definitely more pleasant for me to be around. Yes, BUT.

It's so hard to change my mind.

It's so hard to change my mind.

It's so hard to change my mind.



I've also been reading from a number of sources, most recently Pema Chodron, about the power of self acceptance. About being fine with myself just the way I am.  This approach to self is often written about within the context of meditation, to "be with" whatever thoughts, emotions, sensations arise in the heart/mind, without trying to fix or change anything.  To just accept what arises, neither judging nor evaluating, neither holding on to or pushing away. My heart cries, "YES!"  My head mumbles, "Yes, BUT!"

It's so hard to accept myself.

It's so hard to accept myself.

It's so hard to accept myself.

(well, at least parts of who I am.  but if I can't accept parts of who I am how much can I accept anything of who I am?)

Isn't it kind of odd?  Some part of me doesn't want to change.  Some part of me also doesn't want to be okay with how I am.