Thursday, January 2, 2014

of love, emergence, and the ego

I attended a New Year's program yesterday prior to posting my first installment of my blog.  The program consisted of a spiritual teacher giving her New Year's Message, an annual event that sets the tone for her students in terms of contemplation and practice for the upcoming year.  It's an event filled with grace and with connection and with love. Toward the end of the program, her voice was so filled with love that I shut my eyes and within my heart quite unexpectedly uttered to the divine, "I love you."  I have prayed, ask for help and blessing for others and myself, shared my fears and hopes in this way, but I had never before simply said, "I love you." Or perhaps better written, "I love You."  I know immeditately that this was a meaningful and important moment in the unfoldment of my heart. Innocent, spontaneous, guileless, almost childlike.  A place I yearn for and wish I could inhabit much more often.

Somehow I draw a connection between this experience and the posting of my first blog.  I wonder, did this inner declaration somehow open a gate toward my finally beginning to start posting blogs, or did my plan to start finally posting blogs initiate an inner movement to saying, "I love you."  Or both.  Or neither.  I never feel that I 'know' the answer to questions like these, at least not in the cerebrial or mental sense of knowing.  But somehow, somewhere prior or under or above or all around or fully permeating the capacity to know mentally is a different kind of knowing, of a sense of feel and rightness and fit - of wholeness - that is begging, in my heart, to be trusted.  And in the space of heart-knowing I feel a hesitant certainty that, yes, these two events may not be causally linked in the linear sense, but that they at least co-emerged in a way that couldn't have happened one without the other.  And through their co-emergence something took place, an certainly related emergence from within that feels greater than the sum of it's already quite significant parts.

My hope is that, in this co-emergence (or perhaps better stated, co-co-emergence :-) that this blog will always also be a proclaimation of love to and for all that is.  Little fearful voices within my head natter and fret of how pretentious this might sound, or how impractical, or how it is such a tall order to fill, of "just who do I think I am."  As was indicated in my opening post, perhaps it is time to step into the fullness and truth and beauty of something within us all that is only scary to the ego.  And if something is scary to the ego, that is often a strong indication that it would be good to pay attention and seriously consider the option of moving forward anyway.